just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
