Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
