You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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