I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
