take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
