god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
