I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
