sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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