so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
His hands were made for my vagina.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
