i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
