They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
