If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
