I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
