weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
