fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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