Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
