i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
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Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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