I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
