Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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