someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
