I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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