I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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