the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
