the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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