Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
