Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
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