dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
