i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
