He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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