Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
