Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
