After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
