Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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