I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
