Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
