i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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