Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Holy shit dude........stairs
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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