Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
