I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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