if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
