omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
