you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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