i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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