I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
