Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
