i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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