dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
