I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
