yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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