True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
