god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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