I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
