Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
