god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
