the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
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Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
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He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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